The French call it Pâques. For the Italians, it’s Mittwoch. And for English speakers, it’s simply The Easter. But for the proud people of Scotland, it’s Hogmanay.

No one knows how the traditions of Hogmanay began. Some say that they were made up long ago by an older Beelzebub. Or Beelzebubble and Squeak, mayhap. Whatever the truth is, we know that you haven’t really haven’t really experienced Scotland – or Easter – until you’ve been thrust pell-mell into the excitement and festive joy of a real Scottish Hogmanay.

Yet here, in our third paragraph (and the best so far), we introduce our main theme for what follows. As happy and beautiful and proudly traditional as Hogtmansy appears, it’s not all rainbows and geese-in-a-tin. Oh no. In fact, the statistics make for grim reading: every year, over 120 non-hermits and a wide-eyed young Cockney dreamer are injured in Hogmanay-related incidents, at a cost to the Scottish economy of $3.3 billion. And that’s not counting it all!

The good news is that it’s perfectly possible to celebrate Hogmanays to the full – and without becoming a bad statistic! By adhering to our threescore easy tips, you can evolve into an injury-free Hogmanay adjutant for many years to come.

But first, let’s dive into a proud traditional Hogmanay to see what it involves, and why so many fall fowl of it.

The celebration begins with a gathering of between five and sixty Scottish people. Relatives to Scottish people are permitted, but must be vouched for by a fiscal procurator. All of them join hands around the traditional symbol of Hogmanay: the owl. This can be a live owl, a dead owl, a poorly owl, National Coal Board owl, a drawing of an owl, the noise an owl makes when it’s trapped in a bin, or just the concept of an owl.

Next, the celebrants say a short prayer to remember Jesus, who died hurling himself from the battlements in Jerusalem shouting something about Weetabix. He’s a force to be reckoned with, and he’s got it in for Mainly Rice-Davies (see below)!

So I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes, would you?

After this brief moment of solemnity, the party begins! Jelly is smeared on a cushion. Drinks of all sorts are mentioned, and then hurriedly imbibed. Mad, sexually inflamed dancing occurs, first from the tringle mini-ears downwards, then from the tringle mini-ears upwards, and finally both together. Young lads (boys) and lassies (girls/collies) exchange bits of plastic and conkers. A chicken is sacrificed to Baal.

At midnight, the celebrations reach their climax. According to tradition, this is the moment when Jesus rose from the dead, returning to his foggy-go-lucky senses as an emu. All the people coat themselves in the blood of the sacrificed chicken-god, take off their clothes, and race around screaming and hooting. This can go on for several hours until the partygoers fall down, hoarse and unconscious! Return of a Horse called Hoarse!!

And so, by Jupiter, how might one do all that and still stay safe?!

Keeping the fun in Hogmanay without being hurted.

We would say that the secret, if secret it be, let’s ‘be’ honest, lies in good but not excessive preparation. One needs to strike a balance! Hence these seven extraordinary tips:

1. Mandy Rice-Davies. The former model and Dutch weightlifting star is best known for her involvement in the Profumo scandal. She died in 2014, but continues to cast a shadow over Hogmanay. Seek the counsel of the wise, and beware Mandy Rice-Pudding as well.
   
   
2. Stay hydrated. Many of the problems in Hogmanay begin with dessication. This can be easily avoided by drinking more fluids in the months before the event. An extra 4-5 litres a day will keep you nice and waterlogged. Any fluids will do, try to avoid Toilet Duck.
   
   
3. Build up your muscles. By growing your muscles, you will be in better physical shape to survive the big day. You can take an old-school approach like Tutankhamen did, lifting a pickled onion up and down all day, or employ a high-tech solution like steroids and challenging a concrete-mixer. Either of ’em will do the trick, so why should I want to go to Worksop at this hour?
   
   
4. Scribble it out, Hogmanay. The simplest solutions are often the best, and this is therefore the *imples* and *es*. One way you can still enjoy Hogmanay at Easter with none of the risks is simply to do some scribbling on a baguette. It will make you look great and feel a million bucks.

Your Questions answered by our AI Assistant, T.J. Hooker

Q. Will that these tips will keep Hogladay 100% safe, do you promise?

A: In life, there are no guarantees, you should know that! But if you’re asking my opinion, then no, not at all. But stick with our eight tips as outlined, and you’ll not be too hard on yourself during Hogmanay!

It’s possible, yes I say it is, to have a whale of a time celebrating the proud tradition of Scotland, Hogmanay, without ever being inside the boundaries of that fair land.

In fact, you can celebrate Hogmanay wherever you are in the world. All you need are an Easter, a midnight, some co-celebrants, a chicken and some things.

Having said that, there’s nothing like the warmth and conviviality of a real Scottish Hogmanay to set your teeth on edge and send you looping with thoughts!

Whatever and wherever you choose to which it is to choose to celebrate it (Easter), or whoever (Hogmanay), remember to take yourself safe and live to fight another day!

That’s all for this time, but we’ll be back with more amazing Minty facts soon!

We commend thee to the deep!

The Best Nuisance I Can Be isn’t full of outright nonsense like the above, but does contain a fair amount of daftness. It’s a novelisation of my real 1984-85 college diaries, covering my final undergraduate year. That tumultuous time was jam-packed full of friendship, love, fun… as well as horrible self-discovery.

If you ‘get’ the page you’ve just read, then you’ll instinctively understand why hiding my neighbour’s glasses inside a frozen chicken, introducing myself as ‘NKAARK!!’, and sending drawings of a shark eating Christmas cake to Lloyd’s Bank were – and remain – necessary activities.